Yet again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, thus I am announcing the champions for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one early week. The belated statement this 12 months ended up being thought to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia together with Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for word from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our category that is first is.
Best Airhead Sex Flick Turnaround, a jungle-sex that is erotic about an unemployed actress whom daydreams about drinking hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and achieving crazy intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her opportunity whenever she actually is chased by masked gunmen to your Costa valley that is rican of white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return associated with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Cannot Fly. And also the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most readily useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: Basic Instinct fulfills Tron in Newt Gingrich’s nightmare that is worst, the storyline of a nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who really really loves her computer a great deal she’s got intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the correct respect for great pc computer software.
Most useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Home movie, whilst the video clip nerd whom falls in deep love with the weapon moll for a cross-country killing spree.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, being a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who talks Japanese and knows the feelings of killer ninjas, and so the police chief brings him away from your your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery packed with medication goons.
Therefore the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, given that haunted musician surrounded by nekkid ladies who can not realize why he gets a great deal intercourse in a single film; and Street Angels, once the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches in regards to the fighting abilities of fish.
Most readily useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, once the junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her old boyfriend by saying, “we like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or Worse, since the ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, placing the youngsters into the place wagon, and having out of the lying scumball that is no-good’s married to.
And also the champion is. Steen, Turnaround, given that oversexed blonde who daydreams about planing a trip to Costa Rica, consuming some weird jungle medications, and having intercourse to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, while the girlfriend that is mysterious wears a micromini and high heel shoes through the entire movie, like the scenes where she is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy regarding the Family, due to the fact daughter that is hot-to-trot at the senior high school being a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, once the knockout nude model who really really really loves her work, saying, “we glance at myself as a vital ingredient within the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot party that is little who just keeps dancing away on the roof associated with stylish South Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle right in front of the neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack of this 60-Foot Centerfold, within the name part, for saying, “Help me personally, I’m huge! ” and, “I’m a girl–i that is big look after myself. “
While the champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that become your preference that is downfall”–a that somehow associated with her memories of bodysurfing along with her daddy.
“Water happens to be a really healing thing for me personally, ” she states, prior to a hunk walks from the surf and begins kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
This will be prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses such as a hooker, dials up an ideal guy plus the perfect girl on her behalf computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most useful Shauna that is femme-Fatale O’Brien buddy for the Family, given that walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by herself towards the stepmom as a vintage friend of a pal, and ultimately ends up set up into the guest home, where she’s got intercourse with everybody within the family members.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most readily useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack associated with the 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic starring J.J. North due to the fact blonde that is ditzy takes just a couple way too many breast-enhancement medications and eventually ends up stomping around Malibu just like the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit issue.
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Return for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the initial decent sequel towards the best drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night partners whom get lost away on the road, in which a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering systems and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
Together with champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence movie, the movie that is finest ever manufactured in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce as a nerdy spouse deeply in love with his camcorder whom eventually ends up operating through the legislation with three convenience-store professionals who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Yet again, we’d no overlap with all the other prizes utilising the term “Academy” within the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT features that are sexier adult chat room special